Trump blasts Obama pardon of undocumented turkey

Donald Trump said President Obama "should be impeached" for pardoning an undocumented turkey in a Rose Garden ceremony this afternoon.

"There are 11 million illegal turkeys living in America, and all of them have to go,” Trump told a cheering rally in Davenport.

Trump unveiled a seven point plan that includes deporting undocumented turkeys to their home countries and then allowing the “good ones” to return in an expedited fashion.

"It's a terrific plan, a very dynamic plan, for dealing with illegal poultry, and it will work because I know how to get things done," Trump said.

Trump previously came under fire for claiming that undocumented turkeys are responsible for "salmonella poisoning and rape."

Pope roughs up priest who leaked church information

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican arrested Father Lucio Angel Vallejo on suspicion of leaking classified church information, and an insider said that Pope Francis gave the priest "a pretty good beating" during a police interrogation.

Father Federico Lombardi, Vatican spokesman, denied reports that Pope Francis beat the suspect. Father Vallejo was arrested over the weekend and was treated with "the utmost respect and dignity" while Vatican police questioned him, said Lombardi. Lombardi added that he "thinks" the pontiff "stopped by to ask the priest a few questions," but that "it was all very cordial, consistent with Pope Francis's overriding message of mercy and forgiveness."

A Vatican insider, who asked to remain anonymous, painted a different picture.

"The Pope walked into the holding cell and told the Swiss Guard to 'hold him straight.'" The Swiss Guard propped up Father Vallejo, then, without any warning, the pontiff gave the priest "a vicious right to the mouth," drawing audible groans from horrified onlookers. Several of Father Vallejo's teeth fall to the ground, and blood spurted from his mouth.

The Pope handed the priest a handkerchief. 

"Here you go kid, wipe off your mouth," the pontiff told him. "Now you know the score around here, From now on, we're going to get along just fine, you and me."

Pope Francis proceeded to interrogate the priest for more than seven hours without stopping. "Most of it was Francis yelling at Vallejo at the top of his lungs in between slapping him on the side of the head trying to force him to confess." At one point, the pontiff told the priest that the Catholic Church had taken his mother and sisters "to a secure location" where they would be beaten until Vallejo confessed.

In the end, Father Vallejo lost consciousness and Pope Francis disgustedly sprang to his feet and darted from the room. Onlookers reported the pontiff's white vestments were strewn with blood and that the Pope had blood on his knuckles as he strode into Saint Peter's Basilica.

Father Lombardi scoffed when he was asked about the blood. "Pope Francis cut himself shaving--both his face and his knuckles. The Holy Father has very hairy knuckles. There's nothing more to the story."

Hillary agrees to debate Sanders

Clinton slams media's double-standard: 'Why do I have to release my emails while Sanders is allowed to keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?'

New Horizons spacecraft 'distracted,' misses chance to photograph Pluto

CAPE CANAVERAL: NASA's New Horizons spacecraft botched its historic visit to Pluto, officials said, because it "got distracted" and "turned to look at a passing meteor," missing its one and only chance to get up-close photographs of the dwarf planet perched on the edge of the solar system.

The compact spacecraft, launched almost a decade ago for the sole purpose of photographing Pluto, won't get a do-over, said NASA spokesman Noah Swayne.

 "The damn thing is hurtling through space at 14km per second," said an angry Swayne. "Unfortunately, it was programmed by someone with an attention deficit disorder and it turned away at the worst possible moment." Swayne said that when the craft returns to earth, he will melt it down for scrap.

Obama urges Americans to make 'leap second' count

At 8 p.m. New York time tonight, the world gets an extra second as clocks will momentarily freeze to realign the Earth’s slowing rotation with atomic clocks.

President Obama is urging Americans to "make that extra second count."

"This is a unique opportunity for America to use the leap second to make the world a better place," the president said.

"Use that time to call a gay friend and urge him to marry. Teach an undocumented immigrant how to read a book or a voting machine. Flick the switch to turn off coal-burning generators and other devices. Take down that Confederate flag--it only takes a second."

The president will take his "Make Leap Second Count" campaign to Seattle and Portland today.


The Cooper family of Washington County, Pennsylvania was devoured by zombies earlier this evening after they turned off the floodlights atop their farmhouse in observance of Earth Hour.

"The floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night," said Sheriff Mac McClelland.

"It's a tragedy, but the whole community is proud that [the Coopers] took a stand for environmental awareness."

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew Has Plastic Surgery to Make Him Look Like Mr. Potter

NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

“They have the whole planet to roam, yet they constantly end up on the same road together. It’s unfathomable.”

Turkey Pardoned by Obama: ‘No Secret Deal’

WASHINGTON – Popcorn, the turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual, thanked the President, then headed to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. 

The newly freed fowl denied rumors that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey,” said Popcorn.

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off. “We’re on the same wavelength,” he explained. But he chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To them, this ceremony is a punchline; to me, it’s life or death.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.