Hillary agrees to debate Sanders

Clinton slams media's double-standard: 'Why do I have to release my emails while Sanders is allowed to keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?'

New Horizons spacecraft 'distracted,' misses chance to photograph Pluto

CAPE CANAVERAL: NASA's New Horizons spacecraft botched its historic visit to Pluto, officials said, because it "got distracted" and "turned to look at a passing meteor," missing its one and only chance to get up-close photographs of the dwarf planet perched on the edge of the solar system.

The compact spacecraft, launched almost a decade ago for the sole purpose of photographing Pluto, won't get a do-over, said NASA spokesman Noah Swayne.

 "The damn thing is hurtling through space at 14km per second," said an angry Swayne. "Unfortunately, it was programmed by someone with an attention deficit disorder and it turned away at the worst possible moment." Swayne said that when the craft returns to earth, he will melt it down for scrap.

Obama urges Americans to make 'leap second' count

At 8 p.m. New York time tonight, the world gets an extra second as clocks will momentarily freeze to realign the Earth’s slowing rotation with atomic clocks.

President Obama is urging Americans to "make that extra second count."

"This is a unique opportunity for America to use the leap second to make the world a better place," the president said.

"Use that time to call a gay friend and urge him to marry. Teach an undocumented immigrant how to read a book or a voting machine. Flick the switch to turn off coal-burning generators and other devices. Take down that Confederate flag--it only takes a second."

The president will take his "Make Leap Second Count" campaign to Seattle and Portland today.


The Cooper family of Washington County, Pennsylvania was devoured by zombies earlier this evening after they turned off the floodlights atop their farmhouse in observance of Earth Hour.

"The floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night," said Sheriff Mac McClelland.

"It's a tragedy, but the whole community is proud that [the Coopers] took a stand for environmental awareness."

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew Has Plastic Surgery to Make Him Look Like Mr. Potter

NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

“They have the whole planet to roam, yet they constantly end up on the same road together. It’s unfathomable.”

Turkey Pardoned by Obama: ‘No Secret Deal’

WASHINGTON – Popcorn, the turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual, thanked the President, then headed to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. 

The newly freed fowl denied rumors that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey,” said Popcorn.

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off. “We’re on the same wavelength,” he explained. But he chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To them, this ceremony is a punchline; to me, it’s life or death.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”



(Calcutta ) Mohandas Gandhi, spindly leader of the Indian independence movement, announced today that he is swearing off “non-violent resistance” after being bullied at the beach in front of his shapely girlfriend.
According to witnesses, the incident started when Lord Basil Schropshire called Mr. Gandhi “skinny” in an obnoxious tone of voice and advised him that his “ribs were showing.” Mr. Gandhi then approached his tormentor and tried to defuse the confrontational atmosphere by preaching the virtues of courage, love, and the inherent dignity of all mankind, but his words fell on deaf ears. “Shut up, you bag of bones,” said Lord Basil, before planting a solid left jab on Gandhi’s chin. Afterward, a furious Mr. Gandhi met with reporters.

"Darn it,” he said. “I’m tired of being a skinny scarecrow. Charles Atlas says he can make me a new man. I’ll gamble a stamp and get his free book.” Mr. Gandhi vowed that it would only be a matter of time before he would become the world's most perfectly developed Mahatma. “What was I thinking with all of that non-violent resistance stuff?” he asked, smacking his palm against his forehead. “It’s going to be a lot easier ending British rule in my country when I can slap the Viceroy around a little.” Mr. Gandhi then excused himself. “I’ve got to find a stamp so I can rush this coupon to Mr. Atlas right away.”

Ex-Pope Opens Up About Firing

VATICAN CITY - In his first interview about his firing earlier this year, ex-Pope Benedict recalled being summoned to a meeting of the College of Cardinals on a ruse.

“They told me they wanted me to see a new painting in the Sistine Chapel," he explained. "As soon as I walked in, I knew this was trouble. They were all sitting there, very solemn, and they had that look that they were about to fire the Pope. I tried to crack a joke -- something about how tough it is for me to pray in the chapel with all those naked people in the murals staring at me -- but not one of them smiled.

"They sat me down and said,‘Pope, we’ve decided to go in a different direction’ — no other explanation. I was dumbfounded. "'You mean, I'm out?' I asked. One of the cardinals said, "I'm sorry, the decision has been made."

"Then we got into this whole big thing about whether I have another week's vacation time coming to me. Then these two Swiss Guards came in and escorted me to the church. They stood there while I cleaned my stuff off the altar. Then some monsignor asked for my keys to the Papal Palace and the Popemobile and told me that HR would answer any questions I might have."

"That's the thanks I get."

The ex-Pontiff confided that he had a "golden parachute," but wouldn't reveal the dollar value of it. He said his one-year non-compete period -- standard for former popes -- will end soon, so he’s starting to "explore other opportunities" in other religions.

“I’m knocking on a few doors, let’s just leave it at that," he said.

Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

In 1962, singer-activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept her invitation and spoke with her secretary.
“Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said.
But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Helen Thomas Dies at 92, Pioneering Reporter Snags Front Row Seat in Hell’s Briefing Room

Veteran anti-Semitic journalist will get last word at Devil’s press conferences: “Thank you, Mr. Satan.”