Treasury Secretary Jack Lew Has Plastic Surgery to Make Him Look Like Mr. Potter


NASA Mars Rovers Involved in Road Rage Incident

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA confirmed that two of its Mars rovers were involved in a road rage incident today, some 95 million miles from earth.

 Rover Curiosity had been tailgating rover Opportunity on Mars’ Aelos Palus for hundreds of kilometers until rover Opportunity stopped suddenly and intentionally caused a rear-end collision, according to NASA police. Both vehicles sustained extensive damage.

NASA director Noah Swayne denounced the misconduct in a sharply worded rebuke.

“Aggressive driving is never appropriate, be it on a crowded interstate or on a desolate Martian plain,” Swayne said.

“They have the whole planet to roam, yet they constantly end up on the same road together. It’s unfathomable.”

JESSE JACKSON: PHIL ROBERTSON IS 'WORSE THAN ROSA PARKS' BUS DRIVER'; A&E GIVES THE BUS DRIVER HIS OWN SHOW

"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson's comments to GQ that homosexual acts are sinful were "more offensive" than the words uttered by bus driver who tried to force Rosa Parks to sit on the back of his bus in 1955, according to civil rights leader Jesse Jackson. 

A&E executives thanked Jackson for the tip about Rosa Parks' bus driver. They said they are giving the driver his own show.

Turkey Pardoned by Obama: ‘No Secret Deal’


WASHINGTON – Popcorn, the turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual, thanked the President, then headed to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. 

The newly freed fowl denied rumors that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey,” said Popcorn.

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off. “We’re on the same wavelength,” he explained. But he chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To them, this ceremony is a punchline; to me, it’s life or death.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

CAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. 

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained. 

“The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL: July 8, 1926

MOHANDAS GANDHI BULLIED AT BEACH, LEADER OF INDIAN INDEPENDENCE MOVEMENT VOWS TO SIGN UP FOR CHARLES ATLAS COURSE

(Calcutta ) Mohandas Gandhi, spindly leader of the Indian independence movement, announced today that he is swearing off “non-violent resistance” after being bullied at the beach in front of his shapely girlfriend.
According to witnesses, the incident started when Lord Basil Schropshire called Mr. Gandhi “skinny” in an obnoxious tone of voice and advised him that his “ribs were showing.” Mr. Gandhi then approached his tormentor and tried to defuse the confrontational atmosphere by preaching the virtues of courage, love, and the inherent dignity of all mankind, but his words fell on deaf ears. “Shut up, you bag of bones,” said Lord Basil, before planting a solid left jab on Gandhi’s chin. Afterward, a furious Mr. Gandhi met with reporters.

"Darn it,” he said. “I’m tired of being a skinny scarecrow. Charles Atlas says he can make me a new man. I’ll gamble a stamp and get his free book.” Mr. Gandhi vowed that it would only be a matter of time before he would become the world's most perfectly developed Mahatma. “What was I thinking with all of that non-violent resistance stuff?” he asked, smacking his palm against his forehead. “It’s going to be a lot easier ending British rule in my country when I can slap the Viceroy around a little.” Mr. Gandhi then excused himself. “I’ve got to find a stamp so I can rush this coupon to Mr. Atlas right away.”

Ex-Pope Opens Up About Firing


VATICAN CITY - In his first interview about his firing earlier this year, ex-Pope Benedict recalled being summoned to a meeting of the College of Cardinals on a ruse.

“They told me they wanted me to see a new painting in the Sistine Chapel," he explained. "As soon as I walked in, I knew this was trouble. They were all sitting there, very solemn, and they had that look that they were about to fire the Pope. I tried to crack a joke -- something about how tough it is for me to pray in the chapel with all those naked people in the murals staring at me -- but not one of them smiled.

"They sat me down and said,‘Pope, we’ve decided to go in a different direction’ — no other explanation. I was dumbfounded. "'You mean, I'm out?' I asked. One of the cardinals said, "I'm sorry, the decision has been made."

"Then we got into this whole big thing about whether I have another week's vacation time coming to me. Then these two Swiss Guards came in and escorted me to the church. They stood there while I cleaned my stuff off the altar. Then some monsignor asked for my keys to the Papal Palace and the Popemobile and told me that HR would answer any questions I might have."

"That's the thanks I get."

The ex-Pontiff confided that he had a "golden parachute," but wouldn't reveal the dollar value of it. He said his one-year non-compete period -- standard for former popes -- will end soon, so he’s starting to "explore other opportunities" in other religions.

“I’m knocking on a few doors, let’s just leave it at that," he said.

Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

In 1962, singer-activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept her invitation and spoke with her secretary.
“Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said.
But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Helen Thomas Dies at 92, Pioneering Reporter Snags Front Row Seat in Hell’s Briefing Room

Veteran anti-Semitic journalist will get last word at Devil’s press conferences: “Thank you, Mr. Satan.”